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Six Music.
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And now Adam and Jo.
This is a big British castle podcast with some talking from the Adam and Jo show radiogram.
You can listen to it while you're on your way to work and when you get there you can listen on the loop.
How do you do?
Hello!
Oh, dear, a little burp there.
Did a little burp there.
Never mind, that's good.
It's the kind of thing other radio shows would leave out, but we keep in and it makes us what we are.
We're not ashamed of the gases that pass around the body and pop out of holes.
You know, one of the sad things... We're not proud of it either, I should add.
No, no.
We just accept it as one of the banal realities of the podcast.
It's a fact of life.
One of the bad things, though, about using everything, even the mistakes... I thought you were going to say one of the bad things about you.
No.
And I thought you were going to say something critical.
No, I would never say that.
No.
No, it would just cause awkwardness.
Listen, we've known each other for almost 25 years, so I know that we should avoid things like that.
Oh, I was going to say one of the bad things about just using all the little fluffs and mistakes we make and accepting that as a part of our existence is that we never have gag reels on anything we ever do.
What do you mean?
From TV or from the radio.
Oh, you mean we couldn't have a reel of hilarious outtakes because there's no such thing as a sort of an intake.
No, exactly.
It doesn't make sense.
Our whole life is one big, long outtake.
Just one big mistake.
Yeah.
Somebody emailed in saying that he was a big fan of the show, but I didn't read this out on air because it troubled me and it sat at the back of my head like a heavy stink.
Uncle Fester.
I said, I really like your show.
My girlfriend doesn't like it.
She thinks it's
amateurish and moronic yeah but what does she like that's the question what does she like yeah what does she think what does she think is slick and sufficiently professional you know if it was someone like russell brand that would be depressing but probably most likely she what does she listen to terry wogan listen to i'm gonna have to dig that email up and get to the root of it
Let's get her on the phone.
What was it, amateurish and moronic?
Moronic.
Well, here's the reason why, listeners.
Enjoy the highlights from our show.
And we'll be back to say goodbye at the end of this podcast.
We were mentioning the encroaching Third World War.
If there's any young listeners, don't worry.
It's almost certainly not going to happen.
I'm glad to say because of the high efficiency of the diplomatic corps.
They're talking about invading Poland, though.
I know, that's no good, is it?
Everyone knows Poland is the powder keg.
The powder keg.
What I want to know is, it's all, I mean, it's all blown up pretty, you know, that's an unfortunate choice of words.
It's a war of words.
A war of rhetoric.
In the last week.
So has the Big British Castle issued any special directives to the DJs?
Have, like, for example, are they allowed to play Russians by Sting?
Which actually, if they were able to do, would sort the whole thing out.
It might ameliorate the situation.
Quickly, yeah.
Has anyone thought of that?
Russians love their children, too.
I think the Americans have forgotten that.
The Americans think that Russians hate their children.
You know, and people have been kind of taking the Mickey out of sting for the last decade or something.
It's about time he came back.
His powers are needed.
He's in a tantric yoga position in the Fortress of Solitude, somewhere in the Arctic.
And a voice is echoing across the tundra.
Stephen!
No, not Stephen.
Stephen!
and he's waking up from his trance.
He's been doing various tantric self-immolatory things.
He's getting Omar Hakim on the phone, on the drums.
Yeah, and he's going to produce a single that's going to sort this out.
He's getting his loot out.
In fact, all those 80s people should come back together.
You know, Geldof should stop worrying about Trixie Bell and use his powers as well.
Where have all the 80s superheroes gone?
What's Bonio doing about it?
Exactly.
You know, what, is he doing an album or something now when the world actually needs him?
Come on, pop heroes, get in there.
He could go out there, talk to President Medvedev,
and say, I'm going to put on a free concert for all the people fighting.
Because that's how he talks.
I thought George Bush referred to Vladimir Putin as poodie.
Don't you remember those days?
In the old days, 2001 when... He could just pick up the phone and go, hey, poodie, this is getting a little stoopy.
Pooster!
It's stoopy poopy.
What happened to that kind of diplomacy?
Textination, text, text, text, textination.
What if I don't want to?
Textination.
But I'm using email, is that a problem?
It doesn't matter, text!
Around this time of year, people are coming back from their holidays, their little summer jaunts, you know, and it's always a difficult time.
Some people enjoy coming back home.
You know, maybe two weeks, you've just reached that stage where you're getting a little bit bored of the holiday and you're ready to get back to the routine.
Usually if you go for one week, that doesn't happen.
One week isn't long enough.
But for some reason, two weeks is a tiny bit too long.
Do you ever get that?
Yeah, two weeks is just right if you ask me.
Right.
So you come back... Three weeks is spot on.
Yeah.
Anything better than three weeks?
A month.
Four weeks.
Four months.
Four months.
A year off.
After a year you start getting a little bit itchy.
I get itchy from more holidays.
After a year.
You can't get enough holiday.
Sometimes it's a little bit more exhausting though if you're out there with the family and you've got children and all that kind of stuff.
Sometimes you slightly yearn for the routine to be
re-established because the holiday can end up being more exhausting than your regular routine.
No, I can imagine.
So anyway, for Text the Nation today, we were going to ask you just about some of the things, it's an opportunity for you to offload, some of the things that are depressing about coming back from holiday and some of the things that you really enjoy.
One of the most obvious things is the post pile when you come through the door.
The post pile.
Do you love the post pile?
Don't get much of a post pile because people, well it's just bills, bills, bills these days isn't it?
Right, exactly.
Because people don't really write letters anymore.
Very few people know how to actually write using a pen.
I've no idea.
And people under 20 don't really know because they type and text.
Exactly.
So that you don't really get letters anymore.
You don't get letters, that's a shame, isn't it?
It's true.
Postpile is good, let's move on.
What else?
Postpile is depressing, basically.
It used to be fun in the olden days, now it's a nightmare.
Phone messages.
Right.
And have you got recently, I mean this is in the last four months or something, you're getting random spam phone messages.
One is getting them.
Have you got those recently?
I have had them in the past.
I wouldn't connect them particularly to coming back from holiday.
Well it's out of control now because sometimes they just ring over and over and over and over again.
And there's nothing you can do to stop them.
And when you get back from holiday there's loads of them.
I'm just trying to tie it into the holiday thing.
Yes!
When you get back from holiday there's loads of them.
Also, what else?
Oh yeah, stinky fridge.
Stinky fridge!
Do you clean out the fridge before you go away?
Are you diligent about that?
Yeah, our fridge is quite sweet-smelling, it's not that stinky.
Not got any meat in there?
Some ham, possibly.
So you're making sure you eat all the ham before you go away?
Probably, yeah.
More likely to have decomposed fruit in our house.
Yes.
Yes.
In a big bowl.
In a big bowl.
The Satsumas are the sneaky ones, because they look good from the top.
lift them up, they peel off the bottom and they're all mouldy and strange.
But you get one that goes weird.
Sometimes you get a bag of them and this one bad Satsuma in there.
Same thing in the police force.
Sets the whole lot off.
One bad Satsuma.
One bad Satsuma and the whole police force is corrupt.
Takes the whole force down.
What are you doing?
I'm typing.
I'm looking for some facts, Adam.
That's what this program needs.
Fact checking.
Some proper facts.
Yeah, there's been too much woolly thinking on this show.
Oh no.
And now that the new Cold War's started, everyone's got to tighten up their act.
And I'm starting by logging onto the internet so that I can have some facts to back up what I say on this program.
Well, that's just... Ill-informed wooble has been going across all of the airways.
Why would you want to ruin the whole formula?
Well, don't worry, because what I'm searching for is Bigfoot press conference.
You're much more worried about Bigfoot than the Cold War.
What happened then?
What happened?
Yesterday, I'm a big, big, big, big, Bigfoot fan.
You know, I'm his number one fan.
I like to follow the Bigfoot stories.
And yesterday I woke up and my next door neighbor announced that Bigfoot had been shot.
Oh, by the way, did you hear Bigfoot's been shot?
I was like, what?
Yeah, it's all over the papers.
So I went inside and I searched, you know, Bigfoot shot images, Google, and there's a body of Bigfoot in an icebox somewhere in Ontario or somewhere.
couple of hunters, professional Bigfoot hunters.
They run a website, whose name I won't repeat for reasons that will become clear later.
They run a website and they've been tracking Bigfoot for a very, very long time.
So how big is the corpse they've got?
Seven foot.
Seven foot.
It's in an icebox.
It's in a bit of a mess.
Its entrails are half out.
Couldn't that just be you?
It could be me, but I'm, you know, I'm not that hairy.
It's very hairy.
Oh, it's hairy.
And it's got a face like a monkey.
He could be a football player.
And anyway I was very shocked by this picture and not only that but in this article they announced that there was a press conference being held an hour and a half later in somewhere in America where they were going to unveil the body.
Oh wow.
All the news agencies had it.
Yesterday afternoon, the third most popular search on Google were the words Bigfoot press conference.
And I contributed to that several million times over.
Anyway, I do a bit more digging and I find some YouTube videos that have been posted by these men who say they've got the body.
And I watch the videos and they're insane.
They're like mad, separatist, hunter, hillbilly types.
Quite young men, but they're mad.
And they're sort of baiting other Bigfoot websites.
They've got a rivalry between Bigfoot hunters.
Do you think maybe there'll be some kind of film about it with Ant and Dec in a few years' time?
A fictionalised film, maybe.
Like the alien autopsy one.
Maybe.
The Ray Santilli one, maybe.
Yeah.
Does the corpse look realistic, though?
Or is it like that alien thing?
No, exactly.
Uh, it's probably the same.
It's easier to do a Bigfoot than an alien because it's mostly fur.
Isn't it?
You don't have to get the details so right.
You just get some toys.
But anyway, to cut a very long story short, the press conference happened, and of course, one of the big giveaways of a hoax is that they give you something big, then they give you nothing.
You know what I mean?
If they really had it, they'd just show it.
Right.
And of course, they gave nothing at the conference.
They didn't show anything.
One more blurred photo, they just went on about their stupid website.
Right.
So that was yesterday, all of yesterday afternoon for me.
I was taken up by following that, and now I feel like an empty husk.
And Text the Nation this week is depressing or exciting things about coming back from your summer holiday.
The things that make it enjoyable or depressing when you get back into the country.
Here's some stuff that's coming from listeners.
Andy in Bath says, the worst thing for me is the realisation that if you take a coke out of the fridge, it won't be replaced the next morning while you're out.
Yeah.
You have to go to the shop and buy one yourself.
That's very true.
I find hotel bathrooms fantastic.
And, you know, the freshly made bed, the fact that a little lady comes in, or a man, and changes all your sheets and polishes everything while you're out is easy to get used to that kind of life.
Even a lady man sometimes.
Sometimes it's a lady man doing the polishing and they don't even use a cloth.
Here's another one, and this is my favourite one, a couple of people have emailed in with this one.
Jean and James Cameron from Blackpool have commented that something you may or may not enjoy coming back from holiday is the rare chance to experience the smell of your own house.
Right.
Now this is very true that houses have smells and I remember as a kid this had quite a big impact on me but you used to be able to sort of smell a completely different aroma in every friend's house and I don't know whether it has to do with the family or the house but it's true to say that you never become aware of your own smell because you're so used to it unless you're coming back from holiday.
Well, it's all sorts of different things.
It's like cleaning products and whether they've got pets and whether they smoke and all that kind of stuff.
And then obviously, sometimes if you're unlucky, though, maybe there's been an accident, like a little flood or whatever in the kitchen and something's gone wrong.
Yeah, things will be stinky.
I mean, that's deeply depressing when you come back to that.
But it can be shocking, the smell of your own house.
As James goes on to say, it's like stepping out of your own self and then realising this is what I smell like.
Yeah, it's usually nice and comforting though, isn't it?
Yours isn't.
Really?
Your house smells like death and ice cream.
We were just talking there, during the song, about all the Olympiads, and what's the name of our lady who's done some winning?
Fishsticks, Rebecca Fishsticks.
Rebecca Adlington.
Well done, Rebecca, from all of us here at the Big British Castle.
Well done.
You've done us proud.
You can swim across the moat and come and have some biscuits.
You can come to the show whenever you like.
We'll stop refusing you entry.
You may now come into the show.
You may now come in.
Do not speak, but you may come into the room.
You may bring your bags in, too.
If you stink of chlorine, you will be out on your arse.
We were talking about Michael Phelps though, he's the American fish man.
Do you know much about Phelpsie?
No.
He is a part fish and he is an extraordinary looking guy.
And he's just been winning everything, right?
Yeah, he's winning everything.
He's won like seven... And he's developed his upper body to such an extent that he's like Mr... Which Mr. Man was the triangle with the little hat on?
I can't remember.
There was a Mr. Problems or something.
Was there one of those?
He was a little... He's basically completely triangular.
His feet have tapered and almost joined like a fish's tail.
Mr. Ennui.
Right.
What?
was that the mr man possibly uh and the top his shoulders have developed to such a huge extent his his um shoulder blades do you call that yeah yeah have almost developed into into uh fins shark fins that's right and jude was pointing out our producer jude was pointing out that his lats are unusually well-developed
How are your lats?
What kind of lats are you looking at?
They're amazingly well-developed.
My lats are like as if I've got some loaves of white bread and put them on to my back.
Really?
Yeah, that's what my lats are like.
Did you know though, I found out about his diet.
Right.
What would you think that a guy like that, you would think that a guy like that would eat just sort of cranberry... That's a good question.
Probably plankton.
I think his teeth have developed into just, you know, hundreds of strands.
And he just, he eats while he swims, fishing any sort of bacteria, filtering any kind of bacteria he can out of public swimming pools.
So you're just going with the idea that he's like a fish.
Yeah.
But no, he actually eats stuff like, he has about three fried egg sandwiches for breakfast and stuff like this.
How can you chew when you haven't got any teeth?
He has them mashed up for him by his mother.
Who is a blue whale?
Have you ever been burgled when you've got back from holiday?
Don't think so, maybe as a child.
Because that's the thing, that's the fear that absolutely everybody has.
There's always a little voice in the back of your head saying, oh please, oh please.
Like when you turn the key in the lock when you get back, you know what I mean?
Wouldn't it be a nightmare if you turned it, but you don't need to turn it because the door is already ajar from when the burglar just left.
Or the door's off its hinges.
Or the door's off caravans and people camping in your front
lawn yeah in your front lawn not on it one time we got back and that actually happened the door just swung open didn't have to use the key but he was the thing we forgot that we had like a key holder alarm service guy so so so we opened the door and there's this guy dressed in black leathers with a bike helmet on in the hallway oh my god i freaked out i started going oh what's going on
it was the keyhole when you were a child uh no this was fairly recent really um and the alarm had gone off for some reason so he'd come around to reset it but it happened to be at the exact moment that we were getting back from holiday was very freaky indeed it's time for the video
Now here's the results, so check them out.
Very nice.
Thanks.
Good work.
Yeah, hello Garth.
Oh, sorry, am I on?
Yeah, that's, uh, that listener's... Oh, I was on then.
Well, be careful, you are now live.
No swearing.
No swearing, because Garth's got the most potty mouth.
He has, he's a filthy man.
This is Garth Jennings, you're hearing, listeners.
He's the director of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and Son of Rambo and many fantastic pop videos.
He's a proper director, a professional director, and he was one of the judges
We've said a million times thank you to everybody who's entered, and it really is horrible having to pick winners and runners-up and stuff, because everyone did so really well.
Don't you think, Garth?
Yeah, well, I honestly thought when you asked me to come in and judge this video thing, I thought it would be really awful.
Most people I thought would just do rubbish.
and it was amazing.
They all did good.
But we've had to choose some winners and a winner and some runners-up.
We got a bit tense at times.
We did get tense.
Got a little bit tense.
I got into a fight, a little fight with Garth.
There's a bit of a scuffle and in the fight Garth reached out and he smacked Joe in the shins and then Joe fell backwards.
Then Garth ripped my shirt off.
And then two of the women there got really overexcited.
It just got a bit blurry.
It was blurry what was going on at that point.
It was snogging.
It was like that.
Anyway, listen, listen, listen, listen.
Let's stay on topic here.
Before we announce the runners-up, we should tell you what they've won.
The main winner wins the chance, wait for it, to come into the studio and do what?
Just watch the show.
Hang out with us.
You can choose whether you want to come and actually sit in the studio with us or watch us through a glass partition.
Since we announced that dreadful prize, there's some other more tangible good things going to happen to the winning video.
It's going to be showcased on the 6Music website from 11am this morning.
It's going to be on 6Music's mobile site, so you can watch it on your telephones.
The winner's going to come in and spend the morning here at 6Music and be on the show.
And it's highly possible that the winning video will be on the BBC's red button service, on the actual telly from next weekend, and even possibly on the BBC big screens around the country.
We're waiting for confirmation.
but there might be some amazing extra thing going on on the BBC's big screen, so stay tuned for that.
Everyone will win a signed copy of the Song Wars album.
Garth, are you throwing in copies of Son of Rambo as well?
I'm throwing in copies of Son of Rambo.
That's fantastic.
So let's get on with it.
These are the runners-up in no particular order.
We're going to build up to the winner, but these are the four runners-up.
Adam, who's the first of the four runners-up?
Well, this was the Emmett family, who created a kind of amazing drama in their kitchen.
We had a lot of people making videos for the Meatballs song in their kitchens, but this one really stuck out because it was clearly a family effort.
and they had what I assume was their young daughter, and she was doing an amazing job.
It started off with her just singing a little bit of James Brain before... It had a framing narrative.
Yeah, it was great before the video for Meatballs started up, but it was done particularly well in this case.
Didn't you think, Garth?
Yeah, because actually it was weird.
The meatballs looked a little bit like Joe.
Yes, they did.
Well, the meatballs was their son.
His face wiped into a meatball.
So that might be quite insulting to the young chap.
No, I think that's a compliment.
But we all... Max, what was the daughter's name?
Laura.
Laura and Max.
Yeah, but that was a fantastic effort and people can see the runners-up on the website presumably as well, can't they?
Yeah, so go and check that one out.
And it was such a sort of heartwarming endeavour, wasn't it?
That the whole family had done it in their kitchen and it was, you know, we felt really showed the quality of British families working together.
Yeah, especially that ending with the giant meatball head.
Oh, and yeah, mixed media effects as well.
Practical props.
They made all the props in the fridge.
It looks like a very healthy and happy household, which is what we like to see.
So congratulations to the Emmett family.
They're one of our runners up.
The second runner up is a lovely lady called Allie Boy.
Boy.
Really?
Yeah.
Really?
Oh.
Oh.
And so his wife was starring and they were they both in the video.
OK, I'll start that again.
A lovely man called Ali McKernan, who made and they've made an amazing video, which is all it's animation, but it's done in camera.
So I don't know what to compare it to, really, but it's a bit like those Japanese game show things you see on YouTube where they reproduce Super Mario Brothers with massive cutouts and stuff.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
And scrolling panoramas.
So it's a car race.
It's another one for Jane's brain.
She's having a car race.
She's got a giant helmet.
It goes inside her crash helmet and you see her brain.
But it's all done with kind of two-dimensional cardboard cutouts in camera, but yet it's all moving.
Is that a decent enough description, Garth?
Yeah, it was brilliant.
That's what I think we were all blown away by, the effort they went to.
But again, that was a family effort.
Didn't they have their mums and dads?
I think so.
Nans and everything.
Yeah, pulling ropes.
It's extraordinary.
You really should check that out, because at the very least, it'll be nicked by some mobile phone company for their next campaign or something.
Well, it certainly had a touch of the Michel Gondry about it and the creativity.
Yeah, it was a wonderful piece of work.
Another runner up was Bill Edwards, who created the best bit of animation that we saw, like from scratch.
You know what I mean?
Was it actually Flash that he was using there, Garth, do you think?
I have no idea.
That was the black and white one with you very angry.
Yes.
I thought that captured you in a nutshell there.
A brilliant cartoon of Adam who basically looks like a black bag if you pull the corners and put shoes and hands on them.
And then you're at the end with some courvoisier or something, aren't you?
Yeah, I'm sort of portrayed as kind of king of the world, which I enjoyed a lot.
And there are some spoof headlines in there, including one that says Cornish is the best human ever, which I thought was a particularly clever and perceptive touch.
Yeah, I had a couple of problems with this one.
basically it boiled us down the whole thesis of the thing was Buxton is a kind of midget a furious little hairy midget man and Cornish is this kind of cool long guy sipping his courvoisier and and really good animation they're quite reminiscent of of Ronald Searle as he called is that his name
Final runner-up that we were really knocked out by, I particularly loved this one, was Stuart Lansley, who made a pastiche of the video for No Surprises by Radiohead.
Obviously the original one of those had Tom York's head in a big bowl of water that gradually filled up, so that's exactly what Stuart Lansley did for the Meatballs track, but the
The clincher was that he put meatballs in the bowl.
Yeah.
Like his head was in a big kind of goldfish bowl thing, which gradually filled up with what appeared to be boiling water.
Obviously, I hope it wasn't.
And someone put in, would drop in meatballs and kind of stir them around while he was singing the lyrics.
And this is all for real in one take.
So this is a kind of Houdini-esque feat of human endurance.
It's also spot-on perfect parody of that Radiohead video down to every tiny detail.
It's great.
I mean he went through in fact he probably went through even more than Tom York did when he did the video because it's not easy to just get a bowl there and fill it full of water and
Yeah, and to make it worse, a spoon comes in halfway and starts stirring it around his face.
Man, it's great.
I was really knocked out by that one.
So those are the four runners-up listeners, and we do urge you to check those out on the Adam & Jo's 6Music website, because they are all worth your time.
They'll be up there from 11am.
But there is a winner.
Well, the winner's name is Chris Salt, and he did an amazing Lego video, and I believe he's on the line right now.
Is he?
Yeah.
Hello, Chris.
Hi, Adam.
It's Joe here, actually, but that's all right.
We're interchangeable.
How are you doing?
I'm fine, thanks.
Now, say hello to Adam and Garth as well.
And Garth and Adam, say hello to Chris.
Hello, Chris.
Hello.
Hello, Chris.
Will you be my friend?
Be nice to each other.
Don't steal his curly whirly.
Do you like Transformers?
Chris, where are you from?
I'm from Smoke on Trench.
Stoke on Trent and your video is extraordinary and you know when we saw your video we were so uh bowled over by it we almost thought this is too good can't win we had a big argument about it chris it's like it's too professional it's too polished it's just too good and then we realized the lunacy of what we were saying how can something be too good goodness should be rewarded basically what the deal was chris that we were sort of thinking
You know, in terms of the Big British Castle profile, what would be lovely is if we found kind of a poor immigrant child who had made a video for the competition and they won.
But all the videos from the poor immigrant children were really bad.
So we just had to go for the best one, which was yours.
What do you do for a living, Chris?
Can I ask you?
I'm a computer programmer.
And the whole Lego film thing is just a hobby, a sideline?
Yes, I mean, I write financial software, so... Well, not anymore.
Focus from today, your life is changing.
The second you put the phone down, it'll start ringing again, with major Hollywood studios trying to get you.
That's not gonna happen.
Have you done sort of professional Lego work for other people, Chris?
I haven't, no.
I've had a couple of indie bands ask me to do music videos for free.
For free.
That's the snag, isn't it?
Listeners out there, this guy's amazingly talented, Chris Salton.
You can see his winning video on our website.
And, you know, it's quite exciting that it might possibly go up on the red button and the BBC big screens and stuff.
Isn't that quite exciting, Chris?
It's the big time.
I'm looking forward to touring the country and looking for those screens.
Well, what about touring down to London and coming into the studio?
Is that an exciting prospect at all?
It depends if the inappropriate touching is still on the car.
Do you want it or not want it?
He wants it from one of us.
No, this is going down a very bad path.
But listen, Chris, can you just describe your video?
Explain what happens in your video to the listeners, please.
It basically follows the lyrics of the song Jane's Brain.
It starts off with a lady in a living room.
A Lego lady.
It cuts to her teaching a class of children and she's surrounded by elephants and monkeys and it just goes downhill from there really.
It goes uphill at great speed because there's amazing transitions and there's beautiful attention to detail and there's an amazing effect shot where a car crashes through a kind of billboard that was particularly impressive, didn't you think Garth?
That was amazing but I have to tell you Chris, my favourite bit is the exhaust fumes that you made out of Lego.
I thought that was brilliant.
Absolutely a last minute thing.
It just occurred to me as I was filming it.
That was genius, man.
Chris basically got the little grey single circular studs that you get with Lego, and he managed to animate them all at different little angles there, so it looked exactly like exhaust fumes from this car.
It was amazing.
It's really good.
Well, listen, thank you very, very much, Chris, for coming online.
Thanks very much, Garth, for coming online.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
Well done, Chris.
And thanks to everybody who entered, you know, we really were overwhelmed and, you know, don't hate us for not choosing you because we wanted to choose everybody and it was really impossible.
That was a great chat.
Here comes another.
Adam and Jo are rocking the podcast now.
Oh, Martin.
Excuse me.
You know, if you're a regular listener, Adam and I enjoy actors doing bad accents in films.
Yeah, we haven't done it for a while, have we?
There's nothing we like more than, what's his name from Oceans 11?
Don Cheadle.
Don Cheadle trying to do an English accent.
But it's not very often that you get it the other way round, that you find a British accent, a British actor.
trying to do an American accent, and having a lot of trouble.
And we're not saying it's easy, but it's just in the world of movies where there's massive amounts of money sloshing around, you would have thought, you know, people would try a bit harder.
Or you'd just get an American actor.
Yeah, an actor of the proper nationality, or a really good voice coach, or something to avoid this sort of thing happening.
On the plane, on the way back from one of my recent jaunts, I watched a film called Fool's Gold with Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson.
I'm giggling because Joe did a little grin after he said Fool's Gold.
I liked it.
They're all practically naked through the whole thing and it's very sunny and I don't know really what happened in it but it was very entertaining.
But it included Ray Winstones, Britain's number one hard man and British man pretending to be American.
He's done it a little bit.
He was pretending to be American in The Departed as well.
Was he making a good fist of it in The Departed?
No, he made a bad fist.
Well, here are some examples of Ray Winstones.
Am I saying his name correctly?
Winston.
Winston, yeah.
of his American accent in the film Fool's Gold.
He plays a kind of barnacled, crusty sailor pirate man who's forever trying to muscle in on the gold-finding action in the shallow blue waters of the Bahamas.
And this is one of his first attempts at an American accent.
Well, Mr. Dease, I'm always delighted to welcome an entrant into my field, whether it be on land or sea.
But I feel I need to warn you.
There's no way of getting away from treasure once it's fastened itself on your mind.
He's going for it there.
He's going for the Deep South thing, right?
Well, I feel I should warn you.
There's no way of finding it.
But it keeps slipping.
It's too much of a stretch.
He's like tied with a rubber band vocally to the East End or wherever he's from.
And he keeps boinging back there.
Listen to it happen in this second excerpt.
Well sir, we're just gonna set off some charges and take a look.
You might wanna ease back away just in case we accidentally scratch your finish.
Scratch your finish!
Just in case we accidentally scratch your finish.
It just plonks right back into the East End at the end there.
That's amazing.
And well, it gets worse than that.
This is the worst one I could find.
Who directed this film?
I don't know.
I'm not sure it was directed.
They just all improvised it.
But here's Ray's final and most glorious attempt at being American.
Who the hell set off that charge?
There's a man down there!
Anybody gonna kill that boy, it's gonna be me.
It's gonna be me.
Anybody gonna kill that boy, it's gonna be me.
How much do we know about the character, Ray's character?
Not much.
We know that he's American.
He doesn't talk about where I came from.
No, those are his three scenes.
Right.
I just played you everything he does in the film.
Honestly, I pretty much did.
We're going to put Text the Nation to sleep forever now, like a kindly vet.
The question was, what are the depressing and exciting things about getting back from holiday?
Two more to read out, one from Victoria Seacombe.
And she says, hello, I returned from a trip to Florida many years ago, laden with sweet-based gifts for our neighbours.
We were all about 11, excited at the opportunity to show off all the spoils from amazing foreign lands.
Imagine my disappointment to discover that in the two weeks we'd been away, Skittles had been introduced to the UK, and the bored look on the faces of our neighbours, oh dear.
It's true that there are fewer glamorous foreign brands.
Snickers and all that business everyone always goes on about.
But one of the knock-on effects of that is it makes it less exciting to go abroad.
Milk Duds, you don't get those in the UK, do you?
No, they're an American thing.
Junior Mints, you don't get those either.
They're still one or two... Goobers?
There's still one or two that you can't get in the UK, but euro-wise, it's all a bit unified in a boring way.
Well, that's because of the happy world of Haribo, though, isn't it?
That's true.
Is it?
Yeah.
Haribo, they have political influence.
They're big, chewy tentacles.
Really?
They have a seat in the EU, I think.
That big jelly man.
Well, the place where we go on holiday in France is where the Haribo Museum actually is.
You've spoken about the Haribo Museum before, and God forbid we open up that can of jelly worms.
And the final email is from Simon Misra.
He's hungover and working in Manchester.
He says, morning Adam and Jo.
The best thing about returning from holiday is knowing that you're still digesting the last thing you ate from that final depressing farewell holiday meal, and you can cling to the cherished memories of it until the fodder is expelled from your system.
That's a nice base one to end on, I think, bringing things back round to the lavvy, where we live.
Although usually it's a question of digesting the food that you ate on the plane, you know, and that's always a strange mixture, especially if you have a little bit of wine.
There's something very peculiar about the combination of sort of wine, chocolate, and food that you get on a plane sometimes, and it kind of shakes you around up there at 10,000 feet or whatever.
10,000?
And it's weird.
Yeah, are you not flying at 10,000 feet usually, but it isn't about 30.
It's about 30.
I go much low Much low maybe it is lower to Europe 30,000 is dangerous.
I don't know what kind of planes you're flying over.
That's dangerous.
You're not supposed to go above 10,000 So that's the end of anything goes wrong.
You can jump out
It's safe to jump at 10,000 feet.
It's safe to jump, yeah, because your trousers open up and then they slow you down.
That's it for this week.
Thanks very much to listening.
Thanks to everybody who entered the Video Wars competition.
Congratulations to our winners.
Thank you most of all to Jude for all her hard work over the last year.
You're welcome.
We're going to miss you.
Take care.
There we go.
Was there anything amateurish and moronic about any of that?
Yeah, come on.
Quite a lot.
Anyway, thanks for listening to the podcast, especially if you had no interest in Video Wars.
There was a little bit of winner announcing going on there that might have been a bit of a slog to get through.
But get interested in Video Wars and check out the videos on the website.
You can see all 143 entries pretty much if you do a search on YouTube or you can see the runners up on the Six Music website.
They're well worth a look.
There's some spectacular stuff there.
Yeah, you know, you're not doing us any favours by looking at them.
They're nothing to do with us, really.
And soon we're going to be meeting Chris Salt, who could also be called Sea Salt.
Is that a fun thing?
He probably was at school, and if you call him that, it'll trigger a violent reaction.
I might bring in some actual sea salt and give it to him as like a fun present.
And he might grind it into your eyeballs.
Well, that would be fun too.
It would be fun.
That's something to look forward to.
We'll see you next week.
Thanks for listening.
Have a good week.
Cheerio.
Bye.